Joke thread

Completely off topic!
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Bigyakka
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Joke thread

Post by Bigyakka »

Thought we could do with a laugh so here we go.
A drunken fisherman was seen crawling down some railroad tracks.
Asked if there was a problem, he replied," yeah, can you help me get off this ladder".
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78.5cm, 5.5kg Snapper Sunnyside, 59cm flathead safety beach, 56cm Salmon safety beach, 60cm Snook Black Rock, 34cm King George Whiting Oliver Hill, 38.5cm Bream Patterson River
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Bigyakka
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Bigyakka »

Q: what's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: you can't tuna fish
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78.5cm, 5.5kg Snapper Sunnyside, 59cm flathead safety beach, 56cm Salmon safety beach, 60cm Snook Black Rock, 34cm King George Whiting Oliver Hill, 38.5cm Bream Patterson River
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fishophil
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fishophil »

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and
shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.
"When can you start?"
Last edited by fishophil on 01 Feb 2010, 17:42, edited 1 time in total.
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
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fishophil
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fishophil »

A woman goes into the doctor’s all bruised and beaten up pretty badly.....


Doctor: "My god...what happened?"
Woman: “Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up."

Doctor: "Well I have a really good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of
green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks all healthy and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant! Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly
with green tea and now he never touches me."

Doctor: "Excellent...so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!"
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by ELM »

A business man who has hunted what he thought was every creature on the planet is reading about a Great and never heard of before, Biafraon bear hunter. He reads how the Biafron bear is a 3rd the size of the Grizzly bear but is 3 times more lethal, he also reads that this great hunter must catch them alive, no darts or tranquilized baits, as the bears urine has been found to cure cancer and tranquilizers destroy the enzymes needed. He then reads how all he (the hunter) uses is just an old hound dog, some rope and an old musket that he carries for safety to catch these bears before returning with the necessary cages.

Intrigued, and well, financially able, the business man sets out on a quest to both meet and hunt with this man and his dog so he can say he has also hunted and captured a Biafron bear.

3 months later, deep in the forests of Biafra living in a cave, he finds the Great hunter and tries to convince him to take him on a hunt for this incredibly dangerous Biafron bear. The hunter knowing another three bears are needed agrees to take him and states they will leave in the morning.

4 am the business man wakes to a kick in the guts, the tall spindly old hunter standing over him with his arm extended out and the musket in his hand, with a deep groan the hunter asks do you know how to use this, "YES" answers the business man. Grabing three lengths of rope the hunter gives out a load whistle and finishes with, well get up and lets go, now's the best time!!!

The old hound gets up and charges out the door with his nose straight to the ground, the hunter close behind and the business man dragging his feet behind while still trying to wake properly. After 3 hours in the field, the old hound lets out a load howl BAooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! and bolts off, around trees up and down gullies, through creeks until finally he finds and trees the first bear. Catching up the hunter says this will be easy its only just mature and will do nicely, passing the musket to the business man he tells the the old hound to get back and shut up, clasping the rope between his teeth he grabs the tree trunk and begins to shake the crap out of the tree, unable to hang on the bear falls, the old hound cracks an enormous horn and quickly jumps on the bear and slips a length into her, the bear smiles with a huge sigh of pleasure as the hunter ties the rope around the bears neck and the other end to the tree.

Safe and out of reach the hunter says, their, our first bear and then calls the dog off.

The business man is dumb founded and states, that's amazing!!!

Come on, the hunter announces, where there is one this age, their is a good chance on another the same age and the mother.

Its not long before BAAHoooooooowwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!! and the old hound is off again, through the creek up the gully crashing through scrub and again trees another just mature (twin to the first) Biafraon bear, catching up the hunter yells get back to the old hound, grabbing the next rope and passing off the musket he prepares to grab the tree, the businessman inquires "can I try" quickly the hunter replys "NO you only get one chance at this and we are here to catch bears not bears catch us". The old hound has drool hanging from his joules and an erection that would put a donkey to shame, the hunter grabs the tree and begins to shake, the little bear hangs on growling back, the hunter shakes even harder and the little bear gets wilder. Finally the bear full of anger leaps from the tree at the businessman, but before it reaches him the old hound jumps on the bear and delivers the news, a quick smile soon appears to the sound of a load sigh, the rope around its neck and tied to the tree the hunter calls the dog off, the dog quite frisky wants to stay so the hunter has to pull him off saying save it for the last one. The hunter then turns to the businessman and smiling for the first time, he says, god help the next one!!!

Off they go again and its only minutes before BAAHoooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the old hound is in a lather as he charges off through trees, jumping over creeks, and charging down and back up gullies BAAHoooooowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Finally they catch up to the old hound again, a branch comes flying down from the tree, its the mother and she is not happy. Another larger branch is ripped with pure brute strength from the trunk of the tree, "crash" as it hits the ground next to the old hound. Hmmmmm this one wont be as easy the hunter quips while getting the rope between his teeth. Grabbing the tree, he shakes like all hell has broken loose but the bear hangs on, help me he yells to the businessman and they both begin to shake. The old hound is cocked and on the ready but the bear just wont come down, they shake and shake until they can shake no more, I am going to have to go up says the hunter.

Are you mad says the businessman. Maybe the hunter replies but it has to be done!! The hunter passes the businessman the rope and states here is your time to shine, load the musket and be ready if things don't go the way they should and if the bear does come down like we hope, then don't miss with that rope, you will only get one chance!!

The hunter climbs the tree, cunningly the bear climbs up a bit further until the hunter no longer has a decent footing, then swiping out the bear strikes the hunter and sends him flying, as the hunter falls for the ground he cries to the businessman, "FOR GOD SAKE, SHOOT THE F#CKI&G DOG"
When we say it's BIG RED SEASON, we don't mean a big red blood stain on the bay,
GET YOUR LIGHTS ON + YOUR PFD'S.

Happy Sailing Fishing and keep blowing bubbles.
Cheers
Eddie

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fishsmith
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fishsmith »

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews. "Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!" :lol: :shock:
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Re: Joke thread

Post by SurfanFish »

An oldie but a must have on a fishing forum.....


Hey a coast guard, is a Tony the fisherman here an I’m a sinking. Mayday. Mayday.

Hey a coast guard, is a Tony again and I’m a really sinking. Comma get me!

Coast guard it’s a Tony, you know, Tony the fisherman, I’m a really gettin worried, the water it’s a comin in, the boat, she’s a going down, I’m a never see mama and the little ones again, Mayday.

TONY, THIS IS THE COAST GUARD. STANDBY, WE HAVE REGISTERED YOUR MAYDAY AND ARE SENDING OUR FOKKER FREINDSHIP.

Hey coast guard, is a Tony, is a very nice thing you do but I don wanna you Fokker frenship, I wanna you FOKKER HELP!
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” - George Carlin
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fishsmith
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fishsmith »

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

Talk about changing spots

Prepare another rod while one is out

Lay your rod down unsecured

Go for a sandwich

Start to pull the boat anchor

Use the worst fly you own

Crack open your first beer

Crack open your last beer

Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach

Watch others fishing

Start reeling in your lines at going home time

Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold

When your landing net is out of reach

When you have cast your line over an obstruction

When you line has drifted into impossible weeds

When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset

Decide that you need to take a leak
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Re: Joke thread

Post by ELM »

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
THESE REALLY WORK!!

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO

HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE

AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM
When we say it's BIG RED SEASON, we don't mean a big red blood stain on the bay,
GET YOUR LIGHTS ON + YOUR PFD'S.

Happy Sailing Fishing and keep blowing bubbles.
Cheers
Eddie

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TOLA
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Re: Joke thread

Post by TOLA »

"This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call. "


Obiously fake, but still hillarious!
Regards,
Tola
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