Joke thread

Completely off topic!
winchbitch
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Re: Joke thread

Post by winchbitch »

:D ;) :lol:
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wacazac
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Re: Joke thread

Post by wacazac »

Brought tears to my eyes :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Not quite the way to get a head job :wtf:
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Somewhere 'Offshore'
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Somewhere 'Offshore' »

IMG_21897245005652.jpeg
The tug is the drug~

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beeaye
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Re: Joke thread

Post by beeaye »

Drunk woman catches a cab home after a big night on the town.
Upon arrival at her house she hands the cabbie a $100 note.
Cabbie says i don't have change, do you have anything smaller?
Woman replies that its all she has but she has another way of paying.
With that she lifts her skirt to reveal she has nothing on underneath.
Cabbie takes a look and sighs, "you sure you don't have anything smaller"
Ghurkin
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Ghurkin »

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
People laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they're all the same.
vikodin
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Re: Joke thread

Post by vikodin »

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Somewhere 'Offshore'
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Somewhere 'Offshore' »

did-you-know1.jpg
The tug is the drug~

Somewhere 'Offshore' - the only place I don't hear the voices
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Somewhere 'Offshore' »

FISHING PILLS 1.jpg
The tug is the drug~

Somewhere 'Offshore' - the only place I don't hear the voices
dno
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Re: Joke thread

Post by dno »

Facebook..in real life...

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists. It's a way of sharing your life with thousands and making new friends.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the SAME PRINCIPLES.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
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happyas
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Re: Joke thread

Post by happyas »

A gentleman in his late sixties has taken his mature aged wife into the St Kilda town hall one day as there was a fur sale happening and she needed a new fur stole. While she was strolling around shopping for her fur he took a walk around the block. He hadn't gone a hundred metres when he is approached by an obvious lady of the night on day shift. "Would you like to spend a little time with me?" she asks. "How much?" he replies. "How much have you got?" she says. Getting his wallet out and all the change from his pocket he tells her, "about $35". "HA HA", she laughs, you wont get anyone pretty around here for 35 bucks." Taken aback with her rebuff he finishes his walk around the block and goes back to pick up his wife. As they are driving out from their parking spot he has all the windows down as the car has been parked in the sun. They are stopped by a red light, and there, waiting to cross the road, is the same prostitute he ran into a bit earlier. She notices him in the car and walks over and leans down into the passenger window and points to his wife. "See", she says, "I told you that 35 bucks wouldn't get you much around here".
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