Joke thread

[Ramma]

Johnny goes into his parent bed room one night because he can't sleep. He slowly opens the door and is confronted by his mother bent over the dresser and his father performing his husbandly duties. Johnny's dad notices johnny, gives him a big smile and a wink and continues.
Later on that night Johnny's dad gets up and decides to check on Johnny and make sure he is OK. He opens Johnny's door slowly and is confronted by Grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny doing the business.
"WHAT THE F#CK IS GOING ON HERE!" Johnny's dad yelled.
"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it dad"

[BENNYV]

why do lemons wear condoms?
so they dont get lemonades

[powerup]

Misunderstandings

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


---


Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

but none of them rub you and say "well done"?


---


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"


---


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

[Ramma]

What did Batman say to Robin just before entering the batmobile?
"Get in the car Robin"

[mingle]

Dare I risk the "Pope and the Fish" joke??? (for those who haven't heard it)

It contains the "c" word - but it's all in context!

Mike.

[MitchT]

Dare I risk the "Pope and the Fish" joke??? (for those who haven't heard it)

It contains the "c" word - but it's all in context!

Mike.

Go for it champ, I saw what happened last time though Just don't use actual words as we will get the picture.

Mitch

[Ramma]

Three Victorian yakkers (suggest names people) Were on holidays in Rome. As they were in Rome they thought that a trip to the Vatican was a must and as they were Australian the took an esky full of frosty beer.
By the time they get to the Vatican they are 3/4 cut and feeling pretty happy with themselves.
As they stagger through St. peters square they see the pope on the otherside of the square entering a church.
"Oi! Pope! you want a beer!" they call accross the square. The pope seems to ignore them.
Oi, Pope! Don't you want a beer? You some sort of metro pansy?" The pope stops, turns, stares at the three and starts striding across the square looking like a thundercloud.
Two of the Yakkers thought. "oh, man. We are in deep S#!^"
"Let's get out of here"
The drunkest of the three said " no way mate, I'm to pissed too run. besides what's the worst he could do?" He sat on the esky to mind the beer.
The other two hide around the corner and watch the pope approch their very drunk mate, perched on the Esky.
To their amazement the Pope seems to bless the guy and then heads back accross the square. When his holiness is out of sight the two yakkers who hid run over to their mate who has cracked another beer.
"Mate, that's unbelieveable! You got blessed by the pope, I thought you'd get arrested on something."
"Blessed my arse! Pope comes up to me and goes.You, your mates and your esky, PISS OFF!">

[riv]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"


Cheers

[Kybosh]

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a gal named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner and again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly and after a while neither of them is seeing anybody else.

Then one evening when they are driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and, without thinking, she speaks it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we have been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

There is silence in the car. To Elaine it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself “Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that? Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of commitment he doesn’t want or isn’t ready for.

And Roger is thinking “Gosh! six months.”

And Elaine is thinking: “But hang on! I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I’d have time to think about whether I want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards children? Towards a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really know this person?”

And Roger is thinking: “…so that means it was… let’s see… February when we started going out. It was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means… let me check the speedo… Hey! I’m way overdue for an oil change here.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it in his face. Maybe I’m reading this all wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more commitment, more intimacy. Maybe he sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I’ll bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”

And Roger is thinking: “I’ve got to get them to look at that transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not blame it on the cold weather again, it’s thirty bloody degrees out side and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck. I paid those idiots 600 dollars last time so they can bloody well get it right!”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.”

And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90 day warranty. That’s exactly what they’ll say, the bastards.”

And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight in shining armour to come riding up on his white horse when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good man, a man I enjoy being with, whom I really care about and who seems to care about me. A man who is in pain because of my self-centered, romantic, school girl fantasy.”

And Roger is thinking: “Warranty! They want a warranty? I’ll give them warranty. I’ll stick their warranty right up their goddamn arse!”

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this.” she says, her eyes brimming with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so damned…” and she breaks into sobs.

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I know that. It’s really silly. There’s no knight and there’s no horse.”

“Er… there’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that… I need… I need some time.” Elaine says.

There is a fifteen second pause while Roger desperately searches for a safe response. Eventually he comes up with: “Ye’es?” spoken as a tentative question.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

“Oh, Roger,” she says, do you really feel that way?”

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time.” Says Elaine.

“Oh yes.” Says Roger, confidently now.

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very anxious about what she may say next; especially if it involves horses. At last she speaks.

“Thank you, Roger” she says.

“Oh, thank you!” Says Roger.

He takes her home where she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul and cries until dawn. Roger gets back to his place, grabs a beer and a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately becomes engrossed in a re-run of a tennis match between a Spaniard and a Czech, neither of whom he has ever heard before. A tiny voice in the deep recesses of his mind tells him that something important was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure that he could never understand what it was, so he decides it would be better if he doesn’t think about it. This is a strategy that he frequently employs when challenged by uncertainty.

The next day Elaine calls her best friend, Amy and they talk about the situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyse and dissect every word, gesture and nuance of what he said and what she said. No possible ramification or subtextural subtlety is left unexamined. They continue to do this every day for weeks and even after several months they can still visit the subject without ever becoming bored and without ever reaching a definite conclusion.

One day in the indeterminate future, Roger, whilst playing squash with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause before serving, frown and ask,
“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

[Ramma]

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

That must have felt like torture to type, but it is gold!