Joke thread

[HaTTerS]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner..
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books..
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[Yuz]

[TOLA]

ATT20610.jpg

ATT20611.jpg

GOLD!

[ELM]

Pay that one Swivels, visual effects as well, bonus!!

[riv]

44th Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.

[riv]

Last week I checked into my hotel in Sydney and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[fishsmith]

Two blondes were fishing on a river in B.C. They were on opposite sides of the river and using the same tackle. How ever only one young blond was catching fish, and she was catching a lot.
Finally the other blond couldn't stand it any longer and she asked "How do you get to the other side of the river?” The other blond thought about it for a while and finally answered “You are already there."

[ratfish]

Modifed to fit today's situations, oldie but a classic.

A well meaning kayaker was heading in with his catch in the live well when he happened to cross over a marine sanctuary boundary, no sooner had he done this than the marine patrol showed up and demanded to see what he had in the bucket. Handing the bucket over to the inspectors they procedded to shake their heads.
"You realise you have fish in here and you're in a sanctuary area? You're not allowed to fish around here.We're going to have to fine you."
"Oh no officer" replied the kayaker. "I'm not fishing, these are my pet whiting, I was taking them for their morning swim before i return them home"
"Trained whiting you say" grinned the inspector. "best you show us some tricks then"
"Certainly officer" replied the kayaker, tipping the fish into the water where they proceeded to disappear into the depths
Pulling out his book the inspector shook his head "Nice try, I'm fining you for having fish in a sanctuary zone."
"What fish?" replied the kayaker...

[fishophil]

Man vs Woman Diary


WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2009 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July


Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

[Babylon]

A convict breaks into a house, and ties up the husband and his wife.
He jumps on the wife ,kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.
the husband whispers to his wife"Satisfy him,or he will kill us.
I saw the way he kissed you,just be strong. I love you!"
He Didn't kiss me,he whispered in my ear he is great,horny and looking for vaseline.
I told him its in the bathroom.
Lets see who is @#$@#@ strong now..