Joke thread
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riv
- Lord of the fish
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Re: Joke thread
Jack Bauer Facts
from http://www.dedicatedtv.net/forum/funny- ... t1612.html
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, you better believe it’s beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are great.
When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “Jack Bauer”.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack and a terrorist were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of the terrorist and blast out.
People with amnesia can remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re f***ing dead.”
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of O.J.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
There are debates about whether Jack Bauer is right-wing or left-wing. The answer is that he is neither wing. He’s the head and heart of the American Eagle.
BTW, Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
from http://www.dedicatedtv.net/forum/funny- ... t1612.html
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, you better believe it’s beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are great.
When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “Jack Bauer”.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack and a terrorist were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of the terrorist and blast out.
People with amnesia can remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re f***ing dead.”
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of O.J.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
There are debates about whether Jack Bauer is right-wing or left-wing. The answer is that he is neither wing. He’s the head and heart of the American Eagle.
BTW, Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
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ELM
- Yak Master
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- Real Name: Ed
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Re: Joke thread
I thought this was a joke thread Riv!!!
When we say it's BIG RED SEASON, we don't mean a big red blood stain on the bay,
GET YOUR LIGHTS ON + YOUR PFD'S.
Happy Sailing Fishing and keep blowing bubbles.
Cheers
Eddie
GET YOUR LIGHTS ON + YOUR PFD'S.
Happy Sailing Fishing and keep blowing bubbles.
Cheers
Eddie
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riv
- Lord of the fish
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- Joined: 28 Jan 2010, 13:06
- kayak: Outback
- Real Name: Stuart
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Re: Joke thread
ELM wrote:I thought this was a joke thread Riv!!!
Yeh sorry there all true
my personal favorite
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Kybosh
- The force is strong in this one
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Re: Joke thread
Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building. He once used it as a mast for his AI
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FECKIT
- Square eyes
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Re: Joke thread
OK... 1st contribution to the joke thread from the FECKER...
(by the way Mitch, wot's the rules? Most jokes I know rip the piss out of minorities or the afflicted (yup - thats right - I know jokes about people from Adelaide!). Having said that, I reckon "joke threads" should normally be excluded from regular forum T's and C's. Unless maybe you want to start a "really offensive jokes thread" (with suitable warning in title?))
Anyway.. after all that boring waffle, lets start with a couple of Irish classics....
An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside The Dublin Odeon.
They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'.
.......
Breaking news... a single engineCessna has just crashed into an old village church yard about 25km west of Dublin. Authorities are hailing it as Ireland's worst air disaster ever as they have so far recorvered 214 bodies and they fear there could be more as they dig into the night.
........
Now lets move to the Pacific Isles....
Father David is passionate about using God's power for healing and travels the world as a "Healing Missionary". He recently worked in Samoa and stood up at the alter one fine tropical Sunday asking for the punters to come forward and allow the spirit of the Lord to cure their ailments. A young man slowly walks to the front, looking embarrassed. "What is it my son? What's your name - don't be afraid as we are all perfect in the eyes of the Lord" the priest says with caring smile. "me name is Rangi and I need you to pray for my hearing father". So the priest urges Rangi (loudly) to kneel near the alter and he prays hard & loud for God to do his thang. The rest of the congregation applause as Rangi sheepishly stands and the priest proclaims God's glory. "Praise the Lord!" the priest exclaims - "Rangi - tell our brothers & sisters of God how your hearing is now"
"Dunno yet father - it ain't til next Wednesday"
.......
Final thing to add for now is a link to possibly the 2nd funniest forum thread I have ever read - I think it's posts now number in the thousands and it really does beggar beleif wot some people will put online. Plus it reminds me of my favorite saying "ONLY IN AMERICA (or maybe Adelaide?) "
http://www.sherdog.net/forums/f7/i-got- ... cs-877461/
Sorry - the best thread I ever read has finally been removed by it's admins; needless to say it was both epic and GOLD
Enjoy!
(by the way Mitch, wot's the rules? Most jokes I know rip the piss out of minorities or the afflicted (yup - thats right - I know jokes about people from Adelaide!). Having said that, I reckon "joke threads" should normally be excluded from regular forum T's and C's. Unless maybe you want to start a "really offensive jokes thread" (with suitable warning in title?))
Anyway.. after all that boring waffle, lets start with a couple of Irish classics....
An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside The Dublin Odeon.
They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'.
.......
Breaking news... a single engineCessna has just crashed into an old village church yard about 25km west of Dublin. Authorities are hailing it as Ireland's worst air disaster ever as they have so far recorvered 214 bodies and they fear there could be more as they dig into the night.
........
Now lets move to the Pacific Isles....
Father David is passionate about using God's power for healing and travels the world as a "Healing Missionary". He recently worked in Samoa and stood up at the alter one fine tropical Sunday asking for the punters to come forward and allow the spirit of the Lord to cure their ailments. A young man slowly walks to the front, looking embarrassed. "What is it my son? What's your name - don't be afraid as we are all perfect in the eyes of the Lord" the priest says with caring smile. "me name is Rangi and I need you to pray for my hearing father". So the priest urges Rangi (loudly) to kneel near the alter and he prays hard & loud for God to do his thang. The rest of the congregation applause as Rangi sheepishly stands and the priest proclaims God's glory. "Praise the Lord!" the priest exclaims - "Rangi - tell our brothers & sisters of God how your hearing is now"
"Dunno yet father - it ain't til next Wednesday"
.......
Final thing to add for now is a link to possibly the 2nd funniest forum thread I have ever read - I think it's posts now number in the thousands and it really does beggar beleif wot some people will put online. Plus it reminds me of my favorite saying "ONLY IN AMERICA (or maybe Adelaide?) "
http://www.sherdog.net/forums/f7/i-got- ... cs-877461/
Sorry - the best thread I ever read has finally been removed by it's admins; needless to say it was both epic and GOLD
Enjoy!
FECKIT... Let's go fishing 
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mingle
- PHD in Yakology.
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Re: Joke thread
Feckit, thanks for sharing that link - I'm only a couple of pages into that thread and I'm almost dead from laughter! 
My favourite response so far:
"Quote:
>Originally Posted by RaGEDMentaL
>nudes plz...
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound OF MY DICK SCREAMING!"
My favourite response so far:
"Quote:
>Originally Posted by RaGEDMentaL
>nudes plz...
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound OF MY DICK SCREAMING!"
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FECKIT
- Square eyes
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Re: Joke thread
Sorry.. one more b4 sleepytime...
This is an Incredible story!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fu¢king elephant.
This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.
(Now I've started - just wait til I dig up my epic one-pagers to post on here... The Chilli eating comp and The diary of a Pom in Brisbane are absolute classics as I'm sure some of you have seen them already?)
This is an Incredible story!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fu¢king elephant.
This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.
(Now I've started - just wait til I dig up my epic one-pagers to post on here... The Chilli eating comp and The diary of a Pom in Brisbane are absolute classics as I'm sure some of you have seen them already?)
FECKIT... Let's go fishing -
Babylon
- Needs a life (forum tragic)
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- Location: Corinella Victoria
Re: Joke thread
Im starting to find you Jokes Offensive Feckit.
I come from adelaide.
cheers Jim
I come from adelaide.
cheers Jim